About 5 years ago, I was so set on what I wanted my life to look like, and what I wanted for my future, that I lost sight of what I should have been focused on. Which was what God wanted for me. I remember reading something saying how we need to accept God’s will for our life, and how it may not be what we want. I sat there with a weird feeling in my heart. I so badly wanted to pray and say, “God, what is your will for me? Whatever it is, I will follow,” but I couldn’t. I was so scared that my vision and His will were going to be completely opposite from each other. For a year or two, I was basically wrestling with it inside of me. I wanted to live the life God wanted for me, but what if what I had been working towards for so long wasn’t what God had in mind for my future? WOuld it all have been a waste? Before certain moments in my life, I would pray, “Please let this happen, God, please. This is my dream. I need this to happen for me. I want it so bad.” When I should have been saying, “If it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be. I just pray that everything goes according to your plan.”
Finally, after a few years of wrestling with this, and after so many things going the opposite way of where I wanted them to go, I surrendered. I decided to accept His will for my life. I got so tired of everything going in the opposite direction that I wanted them to go, that realized I needed God’s help. “If nothing is going my way, then which way are they supposed to go, God?” That was about 3 years ago, and to be honest, I still don’t know if I’m even going in the right direction. But ever since I let all of my walls down, things have slowly been starting to go in the direction I once begged for them to go. And I mean slowly. Which is why I’m confused. I sometimes sit in my apartment and will say to myself, “What am I even doing? Am I wasting my time?” Because of how SLOW everything is happening, to the point where I begin to think that I am not fulfilling God’s will. But at the same time, I don’t want to give up… which is what we are all told to do. To keep going and not give up. Right? So where do we draw the line between giving up, and accepting God’s will? How do I know if I am living God’s will RIGHT NOW?
In 2011, I became a professional dancer, which had been one of my life long dreams. I thought once I signed with an agency, I would begin to book dance job after dance job… and oh how wrong I was. Getting signed is just the beginning of yet, another difficult road ahead. And I thought the road to getting signed was the hardest! Everything takes time, I know, but what if I’m just wasting time trying to fulfill my dreams as a dancer, when I’m actually supposed to be doing something else? Before I graduated, I told myself I wanted to continue to dance before it was too late. Before I get to the age where I can’t move my body the way I once did. I’ve been a dancer my whole life, and I know God planted that little passionate seed in my heart for a reason. I do plan on using my degree, and I have dreams with what I’m going to do with it, but those are things I can do at any age. Dance on the other hand, isn’t something that I will be able to pursue whenever. And it’s surely not something I plan to continue with once I have kids. I am very thankful that my parents are allowing me to do what I love, and are not pushing me to get an actual big kid job right this second. That was the deal, though. That I finished college, and then I could put all of my time and effort into dance for a while. (And I’m sorry if I am boring you with this same spiel I have mentioned more than a few times on my blog.)
I wouldn’t say that I’m back in that place where I’m scared to know God’s will, because I honestly wish I knew exactly what it was. I know living His will is going to bring my the truest form of happiness, which is why I continuously pray about it. And I can honestly say that if what I am doing right now is NOT part of His plan for my life, then I will be okay with that. I’m willing to accept it.
After reading a devotion from the book “Jesus Calling,” I was reminded once again, to just Trust God, and not worry. “Do not let your need to understand distract you from My Presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don’t get tangled in its worry webs. Trust Me one day at a time.” (sentence from the book.)
I am where I am right now because God directed my steps here. I may not understand how everything is working out, or is going to work out, but whatever that may be… it’s going to work out. So until then, I will continue to work towards my goals with an open heart to His will, knowing that I am currently exactly where I am supposed to be.